you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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