Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
