One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
