if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
