If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
