someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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