God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
