I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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