someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
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