It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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