I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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