I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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