I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
