Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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