i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
