I accidentally had phone sex last night
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
