i permit you to call me
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
