So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
