How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
