If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
