I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
