I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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