someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
