wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
