do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish you could order shots online.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
