Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
