Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
