I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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