I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
