rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
