It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
