maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
