Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Randomize
