My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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