it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
