I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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