Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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