you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I am midnight drunk by noon
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
