Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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