yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He? As in you personified your dick?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
