were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
