one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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