Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
