I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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