In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
