I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
