I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
