You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
She said her name was "party"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
