I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
