In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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