Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
