I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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