Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
